Forgive Me For I Still Can Only See You
by sctwilightvampwolfgal
Summary: Makoto still misses them more than anything, still feels the pain and almost fear that cling to him. *Past!MaRinKa.* *Hints of possible!MakoGou.* *Fanpoem.*


It's the brush of a hand that does it,

the gentle reminder

that what he'd always wanted,

what he had

was gone

He still sees it in the way she smiles,

the way she leans against him

and he knows that she doesn't realize

He wonders if there is a step to be taken

down to the pier,

a moment of tranquil beating hearts

and rapid races getting rid of the fear

He never was the sort

to jump head long down there,

to feel the cold water assualt him

with acidic remainders of salt

and he knows that

he'd already faced his fears long ago,

conquered them once,

felt almost free

for a second by their sides,

but still felt it fade

a little more each day

until he stood stronger

but then fears didn't always

hang back,

it chased him out from where he hid

He remembers the phonecall

sometimes more precisely than their faces,

the right shape and correct color

of their eyes

He remembers the woman on the other end,

how her voice fell flat

but almost lovingly gentle

she'd seemed remorseful

He'd thanked her anyway as if she were someone

who'd done him a great service,

not the bearer of the news

that stabbed his heart

like thousands of pinpricks

each day

He'd tried smiling

though she couldn't see him

The next few days were a blur,

met by the sights that seemed unreal,

the cold claw of reality

digging his heart up

in choked pain

Makoto had held his breath,

watched the world spin out of control

and only cried from the confines of his room

that didn't feel like his anymore

Rin's shirts, pants, and even at least one pair of his jammers

were scattered along the floor, one sock dangling

off the side of the bed

that Makoto had missed that night

and probably the night before as well

Haru's side of the closet

was pristine, ordered in a way

that no one really understood but him

Their old plushies

stayed cuddled on one side of the bed

Shark, Killer Whale, Dolphin

Rin, Makoto, Haruka

They'd always been a team

even when Makoto could barely breathe

or when Rin was away

or when Rin and Haru had a falling out

that killed Makoto's heart as well

He knows

that they made the best team

once they were together

in all the ways that mattered

and when competitions became irrelevant

Makoto stares at the remains of his room

yet knows it stretches out to the kitchen

where almost only mackerel is stored in the fridge,

seasonings stored in the cabinet right above

Makoto bites his lips when he stands up to tuck the pictures

away in the private gallery of their old bedroom

Rin smiling as a kid, looking every bit like the happiest kid ever

Haru staring at camera, picture after picture, sometimes smiling

Makoto draped around the two of them in one more recent

Three months ago,

Haru smiled

as if the teasing voice of Rin

compelled his lips to pull into a small but quick smile

Makoto couldn't resist his own laugh

at the joke on his other boyfriend's lips

Rin naturally looked absolutely handsome

with his lips pulled up

in a bright and mischievious smile

Makoto sighed,

the pictures clung to a reality

that he couldn't face anymore

He'd moved out of that room four years ago,

almost everything untouched

The mackerel was traded fairly quickly for takeout dinners

and fast food

that curdled in his stomach

far too often,

so very unlike the delicious and savory taste

of mackerel for dinner,

unlike all that Makoto had fallen in love with

before

He breathed in deep

and watched her now as she leaned against him,

bright hair almost exactly like Rin's but longer

Makoto tries to smile,

to show some sign that he won't be a hermit forever

as Gou teases him,

almost the living reminder of her brother

Makoto bites his tongue

as he should never say the words that pull up to his lips

She's her own beautiful self

and yet all he can think about when he sees her is Rin

He hates how tragedy changes

what all of his best friends look like,

act like,

but knows only his reality has shifted,

but may be, just may be

Makoto will one day be able to move on

and not see her brother in everything she does and Haru in the cool quiet moments

whenever they weren't speaking for one reason or another.


End file.
